


Second Chances

by Ava_now



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24463447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Needing to understand more about Simon's life just prior to his death, Olivia attends a 12-step meeting that Simon frequented.  She's stunned by who she finds there.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 47





	Second Chances

**Author's Note:**

> TW: This fic does reference drug addiction but it does not go into detail.
> 
> I rarely write Barson because I have trouble finding what I believe to be an authentic voice for Olivia. This fic, however, has been tossing around in my head for awhile and I'm glad I put it down.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are SUPER appreciated! Hope you enjoy!

Olivia sank onto the park bench across the street from St. Andrew’s. It was a little chilly due to the time--it was almost seven p.m.--but she wasn’t ready to go in just yet.

She knew she needed to do this, though. She needed to know, to see this part of Simon, this part that had held his hand as he sobered up, had given him purpose. Finding out that he had been so active in a twelve-step program had surprised her. She wasn’t a huge believer in it, but what did she know? She’d never struggled with those issues like her mother and her brother had. When she had been given the cards and calendar Simon kept in his pockets, there had been no denying that this meeting was important to him. Seven p.m. every Wednesday night, he’d written it in ink, and she suspected he kept every single appointment. Dr. Lindstrom had encouraged her to go and meet the people who had been part of Simon’s recovery. “It’s an open meeting, Olivia,” he’d told her. “Everyone is invited, whether they think they have a problem or not. You don’t have to speak or even introduce yourself if you don’t want to. But it might bring you some peace, knowing how Simon was spending his life at the end.”

Simon had asked her for a second chance, to try one more time to be a family. And she had, she’d shown up with a sleepy Noah in tow, but Simon hadn’t. And now he was dead, gone, and she was left in pain once again, trying to figure out what in the hell had happened.

So she sat here now, alone. Noah was at a sleepover with Jesse--Amanda had encouraged her to go as well--so she had a free evening to devote to this. Watching the church, she had noticed men and women entering the large front doors alone over the last several minutes. Checking her watch, she saw it was five of seven, and if she was going to go, it needed to be now.

Liv crossed the street and headed up the front steps to the doors, pulling one open. The church was quiet, cream colored walls and linoleum tile, and she could hear voices down the hall to her left. Assuming that would be the meeting, she followed the sound to what looked to be a recreational or fellowship hall. There were twenty or so people mulling around. A white-haired woman with glasses approached her, smiling. “Hello! Welcome. I’m Sonya. If you’d like, there’s some coffee over there--” she pointed to the wall nearest them “--and we’ll be starting the meeting in just a minute.”

Liv nodded and decided to get a cup of coffee just to have something to do with her hands. People began to sit in chairs that were gathered in a circle, and she made her way to one. As she sat, she smiled at the young man sitting to her left, and he smiled back. That little gesture helped her breathe better, and she tried to relax in her seat. Sonya started the meeting, and Liv followed along with the routine to the best she could, reading and listening as required. As Sonya led the group in the serenity prayer, Liv glanced around the room at the other participants. These had been Simon’s friends, she thought. His family. Men and women of different ages and races and---

Her breath caught in her throat as she saw Rafael Barba’s eyes meeting hers from across the room.

The last time she had seen him, he’d kissed her forehead and told her goodbye. That was nearly two years ago. She had been a little in love with him then, drawn to his passion and his wry sense of humor. She’d also been drawn to his predictability. Rafael wasn’t anyone who would throw her for a loop, she’d thought. She’d thought they had time, and she’d been taking it painstakingly slow because of that. But then they didn’t. One day they had forever, and the next, he’d made an unforgivable mistake and there was no time at all. And she couldn’t fix it, no matter how hard she tried. He was the only one who could, but he wouldn’t or couldn’t and instead they found themselves standing on the sidewalk in a bunch of winter slush as he kissed her forehead goodbye. He chose to leave. But then, why shouldn’t he? It’s what they all did, wasn’t it?

He was staring at her now, as if trying to read her expression, and she steeled herself as she stared back. 

She knew why she hadn’t recognized him. He’d grown a beard, first off, and it gave him a more masculine look. He was wearing jeans and a hoodie, and she wondered if he had owned those clothes when he worked for the DA’s office or if he’d gotten an entirely new wardrobe since leaving. She could see a glimpse of his gold chain and crucifix, the same he’d worn when she knew him, she was sure. And if she looked closely, she could see a pair of those ridiculously patterned socks peeking out of the NIKE sneakers he had on. Since when did Barba wear sneakers, she thought, shaking her head slightly. Clearly, Simon wasn’t the only person she didn’t know anymore.

Different people were taking turns talking, and she tried to turn her attention to them. It appeared the topic today was honesty, and it seemed ridiculously ironic to her that she’d be attending on this particular day, learning about two men who struggled to be honest with her. It suddenly occurred to her that Barba may be a regular here too. He may have known Simon. Did he know Simon’s secrets? Did Simon know his? Was Rafael an addict when she knew him? And to what? Had he lied to her for years, covered up his addiction to her? At one point, they had been close friends. She had confided personal information, feelings, thoughts to him. Had that all been a ruse?

She heard his voice and turned to face him. He was still looking at her, but also looking around the group at others. 

“My name is Rafael, and I’m an opioid addict.”

She heard the rest of the group greet him, but all of the air in her body had been sucked out. Opioids. Suddenly her heart ached for him, for the pain he must have gone through to get to this moment.

“Honesty is something I think most people struggle with, and for me, I struggle the most with being honest with myself. In my line of work, I see people who lie every day. They live their lives built on lies until they can’t tell the difference between lies and the truth anymore. And they lose everything because of it. Getting sober forced me to realize how long I’d been lying to myself. I started using regularly because I couldn’t handle the truth of what I’d done, and opioids made it easier to believe the lies I told myself. And then I just kept lying. And using. They kind of went hand in hand. Since I’ve been sober, one of my biggest struggles has been accepting the truth of what I’ve done, especially when it comes to relationships.” He looked at her, and she felt a shiver go down her spine. “I’ve lost some precious relationships because I couldn’t be honest and face what I was doing. I’m determined not to live that way anymore.” He shook his head. “Thanks for letting me share.”

“Thanks for sharing,” she heard the group respond, and then another person was talking about what honesty meant to her, and Olivia wondered how much she hadn’t known about this man for all these years.

As the meeting closed, she wondered if she should try to talk to him. Her gut said it was a bad idea to invite a man who walked away from her once back into her life, but her heart--

One of these days she was going to learn not to listen to her damn heart. It only led to trouble.

He was across the room still, chatting with a young woman, and it sounded light and cheery. She pulled her jacket on and headed out of the church, to the street.

“Liv!” She heard him immediately, and slowly turned around to find him jogging up to her. “Hey. Hi.” He smiled. “It’s great to see you--you look fantastic.”

She smiled. “Well, thank you. And you look...different.”

He chuckled, running a hand over his beard. “Yeah, I guess I do. It’s been a long two years.” His expression suddenly turned serious. “I’ve been debating whether to call you...I didn’t want to upset you any more than you were when I left.”

“Believe me,” she replied sharply, “I’ve gotten over that. As you said, it’s been a long two years.”

He hesitated for a second, then said, “Yeah...would you have time for coffee? Can I buy you a cup?”

_ You can fuck off is what you can do, _ she thought angrily, then, shocked at her thought, she replied, “Sure. Yeah, okay.”

She watched his green eyes light up, the same way they used to, and he grinned. “Great.”

***

“So how’s Noah?”

She took a sip of her coffee. “He’s good. He’s started dance classes and loves it. I think he has a talent for it.”

“That’s great! He’s such a terrific kid.” He looked down. “I’ve missed him. And you, Liv. I messed up that exit really badly and I’ve regretted it every day since.”

She nodded. “I had wondered.”

He smirked at her. “You must really be wondering how I ended up in a twelve step meeting tonight, although I guess you heard the gist…”

“I AM wondering, although I would think you probably have the same question about me…” she fiddled with her mug. “My brother overdosed and died last week. I hadn’t seen him in awhile, and I understand he’d been clean. I found out he was attending that meeting regularly--”

“Simon?” he asked, and she nodded.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know him that well, just seen him at the meeting a few times. I don’t usually attend this one. I go a few times a week but tend to hit things nearer to my place now. I’ve got a studio in Chelsea.”

“Well, that’s a change,” she teased, and he chuckled again.

“Yeah. There have been a lot of them.” He took a long sip of coffee. “I started using two days after I quit. I’d fallen outside of my building in that slushy mess, and my mami had some leftover pills from a surgery she’d had a few months before. It was supposed to be a one time thing. Next thing I know, it’s the reason I’m getting up in the morning. It became everything, very quickly. I was already down, so it wasn’t that much of a challenge to convince myself the pills were the most meaningful things in my life.” He shook his head again. “It took a long time, but I finally decided I didn’t want to live that way anymore, and I’d do anything to stop. It cost me so much, Liv...I’m forty-nine years old and lost my condo, all my assets, half of my retirement account, not to mention my relationships with pretty much anyone I ever cared about. My mother was so over it I wasn’t allowed to visit her anymore. She’s just been willing to have lunch with me again in the last few months.” He smiled wistfully. “You can see why I didn’t want to involve you in that.”

“But why, Rafa?” she asked. “I don’t understand. If things were so terrible, so painful, why start that? Why didn’t you call me? I would have been there for you. I would have helped--”

He was shaking his head again. “I hated myself, Olivia. I couldn’t look in the mirror. I believed I was doing the best thing for you by extricating myself from your life. I’ve wondered if I was suicidal at the time and just didn’t realize it...just chose a slower way to die, you know?” He exhaled slowly. “A big part of this process has been learning how to forgive myself. Not just for the drugs, but for all sorts of things...mistakes I’ve made with other people, even forgiving myself for being so hard on myself to begin with. My father’s voice became my own, if that makes any sense.”

She sighed heavily. “How long have you been clean?” she asked, and he smiled again.

“Eight months,” he told her proudly. “It’s not been easy. I’m in therapy each week and in meetings two or three times a week. I’m on medication to help with the withdrawals. But it’s been eight months since I touched it, and God willing, I’ll never touch it again.”

Hearing the determination in his tone, she couldn’t help but smile. She couldn’t help but feel proud of him, too. “You won’t,” she affirmed. “As long as you keep taking care of yourself, like you are.”

He nodded. “It’s my top priority. I’ve learned it has to be.”

She smiled. “And are you working now?”

“Yeah. At a nonprofit.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. Thumbing through, he grabbed a card and handed it to her. “I’m working on immigration law right now...fighting ICE.” Now he grinned fully. “Seemed like a good gig for a Cuban kid.”

“Yeah it does,” she agreed as she examined the card. “Okay if I keep this? In case I need it sometime?”

“You bet!” he nodded. “Need any more?”

“I think this is okay--I can pass the number along if I need to, right?” She tucked it into her purse. 

“Share whatever is helpful.” He reached across the table and patted her hand. “I’m so glad we ran into each other, Liv. I’ve missed you more than I can express. Losing your friendship was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made.”

She felt her eyes tear and looked down. What was she supposed to do, invite him back into her life now? Forgive and forget? She had Noah to consider. Noah, who had been devastated when his Uncle Rafa disappeared. Noah, who had asked her just the other day if they could invite Uncle Rafa to his dance recital…

Maybe Noah was more forgiving than she.

“Rafa,” she began, squeezing his hand back, “Noah has a dance recital next Friday at six. I know he’d very much like for you to come if you’re available.”

As she saw Rafael’s green eyes light up once again, she thought maybe Noah and Rafael were onto something with this forgiveness thing. She could certainly try.

And on Friday evening, as she watched her son shyly waving at Rafael from the stage, she was pretty sure she believed in second chances after all.


End file.
